Barr von Kräme: A Life
Early Life Barr von Kräme was born into minor Prussian nobility on December 3, 1815 in ScheißeStadt. His father, Leopold von Kräme, was a relatively wealthy country squire with several estates located throughout the Kingdom of Prussia. In 1812, he had met Katherine von Koomdümpster in Berlin, where they became married that same year. Shortly after their marriage, their first son, Alex, was born. It was at this time that Leopold had received news his eldest brother had died in the town of ScheißeStadt, leaving the estate to Leopold. While Katherine was pregnant with Barr, the von Krämes moved. Unbeknownst to the von Krämes, Barr von Kräme was already chosen by The Pile and given a mixture of vampiric and demonic powers to wreak havoc upon the world. He was also given two disturbing powers: the first was spontaneous, transient visions of the future...accompanied by a tourettes-like, staccato rant. The other power was to be covered in hair. ScheißeStadt Barr von Kräme spent the first seven years of his life in ScheißeStadt, a forgotten backwater that no longer exists, once located in northern Silesia. Not much is known or written about young Kräme until he wrote a letter to his grandmother who resided in Leopold von Kräme's childhood estate in Pomerania. The letter dated December 6, 1822 reads: Dearest Gram Gram, I wish I could live with you and Grand Papa. Father told me tales of fishing, horseback riding, and quaint forests. Well, he didn't tell me; father told me to shovel horseshit, but I overheard him telling my brother Alex while I worked the field... as a seven-year-old... It has not been three days since my last birthday, and already my classmates are shitting on my lawn. At school I am called "Hair Bear," "The Ape Escape," Pubic Bear," and "Delilah." I've slept little since my birthday. When I do sleep, I have terrible nightmares, terrible images. I do not wish to worry you and hope to write you soon. P.S. Thank you for the birthday money. I will use it to buy a new goat. My classmates stoned my last goat, Pan, to death. I'm sure this time things will be different, and they will not stone my new goat. I will name my goat Lambee. The April Fires Life must have been hard for little Delilah von Pubic Bear as any hairy, hairy childhood experience would be. This experience of isolation and sadness might have continued on indefinitely if not for the events that took place between April 19 and April 21. Although the sources offer conflicting and differing accounts, numerous livestock were slaughtered and 12 people were killed, 5 of whom were children, and several buildings were set on fire, including the town church. While much mystery surrounds the three days in question, three stories emerged. One account by a local woman who worked at the town inn recollected those days in a diary entry on November 8, 1831. "BarrFast," "I read chat like I eat cheese," and "Razodoop 2: Burn Down the Zoo and Let the Wolves Through!" were written on buildings that were not burning. "Pictures," the woman wrote, "were drawn with the blood of the animals. The images of bearded men were everywhere." Another account claimed a small, hairy creature wearing the head of a goat was sucking the blood of both man and animal in the shadows of the fire. "I stood frozen for what seemed like an eternity," wrote Albrecht Zimmer to a friend five years later, "when I saw that creature. I was rushing to grab my books and records in the back of my shop. In the alley, I saw a heap of bodies, those of mankind and beast mingled and contorted. Among the bodies, a small, shaggy creature wearing the head of a goat drank from the necks of the dead. 'Uuuu wuuu,'it roared, then lulled, then roared again. When it turned round, I ran. It gave no chase." The local pastor and schoolmaster of the town, Erik Treitschke, left another account in his diary, a diary that he kept for over 20 years. The diary entry for April 21, two days after the fire, reads, "Today was a normal day where nothing of significance happened. Also, ignore that the entries from the previous two days are blotted out. Also, I am have become sad and can no longer live with myself, so I have decided to commit suicide by crucifixion rest is indecipherable." Although many have searched for evidence of what happened, the causes of those events remain vague. So very, very vague. With much of the town destroyed, Leopold von Kräme decided to take his family and return to his childhood estate in Pomerania. Whatever took place that day must have shaped Barr von Kräme's mind and soul. As his career and influence grew in Prussian society, so too did his twisted proclivities and bloodlust. I hope to continue the tale soon. -Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickleback Category:Wiki Shit